Loyalty & Honesty
To establish, keep, and maintain close relationships it is
essential to be honest and to cultivate a deep sense of loyalty.
Loyalty is a wonderful characteristic that we can foster with
others only if we are very honest with ourselves. Honesty starts
at home, within ourselves. Above all else, it is essential to be
true to yourself. Understanding your own feelings and thoughts
is critical, as they are guides and guardians of your path ahead.
If we are not honest with ourselves, we cannot be honest with
others. Loyalty is not something we can turn on or off. We
maintain our loyalty to another even if we are not with them over
long periods of time. We continuously abide by our unwritten
contract with them and do not breach intimacy or confidentiality.
Loyalty requires self-discipline and commitment to uphold the
“sacred bargain” that is part of our dearest relationships.
Every day in my private counselling practice I deal with people
who have strayed very far away from what I have just described
above. In one way or another they have erroneously come to
believe that being less than honest will take them to a better
place. They are usually self-sabotaging in other parts of their
life and they cling to the idea that the source of their problems
is outside of themselves. They are lacking integrity. Integrity
means having one, and only one, personality. To manipulate
others they need to manipulate themselves. Step by step they
become alienated from themselves and eventually from their
most cherished people, passions and dreams.
“To have a friend you need to be a friend.” A very wise
Most people are hoping that superb friends will just walk
right into their lives. They do not seem to realize that deep
relationships, like plants, require developing, nurturing,
fertilizing, growing and “weeding”. They avoid negotiating
emotional and stylistic differences with their closest
companions. Eventually this leads to very stale relationships
or to the end of any meaningful relationships.
Many of the couples that I counsel/coach with reach a plateau
in their relationship in which they stop emotionally growing
with each other. Sometimes one person reaches a plateau
and sometimes both of them stall emotionally. This is usually
an indication that the couple or one person in the couple has
basically ceased growing in self-love, self worth and self esteem.
Then, unfortunately, one or both of them may start searching
for the fulfillment of their emotional needs outside of their
relationship. It is important to remember that one cannot grow
in self-love without being radically courageous and emotionally
honest with oneself.
There is a way of expressing loyalty to a beloved mate that is
unbelievably deep. I warn people not to espouse it unless it is
true. It requires very deep self-knowledge and loyalty. You look
into the eyes of your loved one and make the following three
profound, marrow-deep and “sacred promises”:
a. You are The One. b. We are unassailable. c. We are Forever.
If you do not have a relationship in which you can honestly do
this, I highly recommend that you re-position your life and seek
out such a relationship. It would be a tragedy to go to your grave
without experiencing this depth of being.
May you rise up in self-love and in loving-kindness in order to
muster the courage to face your fears.
This article was written in December of 2012 by:
Richard M. Haney, M.Ed., Ph.D. (Counselling and Mediation)
Richard has been practising Wholistic Counselling, Coaching,
Hypnotherapy and Mediation for the past 25 years in Ottawa.
To contact Richard please call (613) 234-5678 or send an e-mail